I picked up my baby from school early this week so he could join a local preschool co-op group at the pumpkin patch. I have four children but they are all spread far apart in age. By the time this little guy came along my two oldest had moved on from things like pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I still had one that was interested but after a couple years she was starting to move on as well. So, this little guy had the potential of missing out on that kind of simple fun and I would have to more proactive. This in mind I jumped on the opportunity to go to the pumpkin patch. And decided to bring the big camera.
This may seem like a normal thing but for me, over the last few years, I had avoided bringing my DSLR to things like this. One issue was being able to convienienty carry it.
I didn’t have a comfy bag that would safely carry the camera and be a good purse as well. This was remedied this last spring when I purchased a diaper bag with lots of pockets and was known for being able to keep things oraganized in a diaper bag. I was most interested in the separate pocket for mom’s things. That is just what I needed. A roomy bag that also had lots of pockets to organize all my personal stuff. I just added some proctecting walls from a different camera bag and always keep this main compartment available for my DSLR. With that problem solved, I still was reluctant to carry it with me. Or if I did, I wouldn’t use it.
I still think I need to process things but I didn’t want to commit to it. I really wanted to get better at photography but I wasn’t able to commit to it. Then things started to shift and I made some commitments this summer and I really have been enjoying getting to know the camera and how to use it, however, I still wasn’t bringing my camera with me and if I did I wouldn’t use it. That is until this trip.
Not realizing there had been any shift in my thinking I was fully planning on bringing my camera. I picked out an outfit for him to wear and changed him into it when I got picked him up. I promptly started taking pictures as soon as I arrived and was waiting for the other moms to show up. Everything just seemed normal. That is until one of the mom’s made a comment. She said something to the effect that she wasn’t worried about taking pictures herself because there were multiple photographers in our group.
I was pretty taken back by the comment. Was she including me as one of the photographers? Am I a photographer? Yes, of course I am. But why did this comment bring on a flood of insecurities? Why was I all of the sudden embarrassed to be holding that camera?
I am sad to say, for the most part, when I was around other people, I put the camera away for the rest of the day. I was even too self conscious to look at the back of the screen when Hollis and I were eating lunch, just in case someone was looking. I was processing things though. Embrassing my thoughts and trying to understand them.
I am still processing it, but I have decide to be brave and admit to myself at least…
I am a photographer.
I love it
And I am going to keep learning.